It’s Nothing Really
The following material may not be appropriate for all ages and/or conservative workplaces.
If your child or boss is nearby, you might have some things to explain.
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So…
Listen…
I don’t
know what to get you
tough to admit
because I’m good
at gifts
usually
I’ve thought about it
like
a lot
it occurred to me
it’s you
it’s me, but it’s
also, you.
I don’t know you.
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Sure
I know things about you
the easy things
the kind of things
you’d find
in a quick
search.
What you look like
where you live
what you eat
your mom’s name
your high school mascot
your credit score
the easy stuff.
But is that all
knowing someone is?
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I want to know what keeps you
up at night
to take all of it
into my hands
those fears
those embarrassments
triumphs
I want to
weigh each one
in my palms
learn to
recognize them
as I do
my own
devise
through them
some clue
that one thing
missing from you
I could provide.
But I can’t do that
-
I could look
at the contents
the rooms and spaces
you frequent
the things you put
in those rooms and spaces
and decide what things
I could add
to belong
to that ever growing
pile of things
things you own.
Are you
those things?
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You deserve
better than
things.
I asked a friend:
what was
the best gift
they had received
So, they didn’t like it
at first
when I told them
I wanted
to be an actor
but my dad, he gives me
this old textbook
a book on acting
once it had been his
now he’s passing it on
to me. I had no idea.
I’ve never stopped
reading it.
I’m not your dad
we don’t have that
connection
sure
I could get you
a book
about a subject
that interests you
but that book
would not represent
a passing torch
an acknowledgement
a first step
your
own path
it would just be
a nice thought
library fodder.
You deserve better
-
I asked a friend
about the worst gift
they received
Chlamydia,
it was my birthday
when I got the call.
Is it enough
that I haven’t
given you chlamydia?
I can give you
the gift of
not chlamydia
everyday
how many random
people in the world
will never
have given you
chlamydia.
You deserve better
-
I want to give you
something like
pulling a winter coat
out of storage
finding 5 dollars
in the pocket
something that
is both
everything and nothing
a coincidental kindness.
You deserve
something you don’t
deserve
aimless
car rides
filled with
endless laughter
backdropped
by a massive
weeping sky
you deserve cliché,
day drunk afternoons,
coffee tables,
littered with
takeout,
clean baseboards,
plenty
of toilet paper,
enough
money
after all your bills are paid,
to breathe,
you deserve
a breath
and fat
and warm
and cool
and sweat
and soft
and sex
and excess
-
I cannot give you
what you should have
so, I’ve decided
to give nothing.
This is a nothing
I made
just for you
you can fill it
you can leave it
empty
it is as much
as little
as it needs
it is an absence
with your name on it
in place of what you deserve:
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-joolz
For: DH5 TIAC
(Diego, Isaac, Tamsen, Lakecia, Cat, Lauren, and Zoe)
joolz
Hey stranger, thanks for stopping by. joolz makes art. Sometimes joolz does other things... Strange, terrible, unspeakable things. You may have seen them acting in the Chicago storefront scene, on instagram @itsjoolz, or perhaps in your own nightmares.