It’s Nothing Really

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So…

Listen…

I don’t

know what to get you

tough to admit

because I’m good

at gifts

usually

I’ve thought about it

like

a lot

it occurred to me

it’s you

it’s me, but it’s

also, you.

I don’t know you.

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Sure

I know things about you

the easy things

the kind of things

you’d find

in a quick

search.

What you look like

where you live

what you eat

your mom’s name

your high school mascot

your credit score

the easy stuff.

But is that all

knowing someone is?

-

I want to know what keeps you

up at night

to take all of it

into my hands

those fears

those embarrassments

triumphs

I want to

weigh each one

in my palms

learn to

recognize them

as I do

my own

devise

through them

some clue

that one thing

missing from you

I could provide.

But I can’t do that

-

I could look

at the contents

the rooms and spaces

you frequent

the things you put

in those rooms and spaces

and decide what things

I could add

to belong

to that ever growing

pile of things

things you own.

Are you

those things?

-

You deserve

better than

things.

I asked a friend:

what was

the best gift

they had received

             So, they didn’t like it

             at first

             when I told them

             I wanted

             to be an actor

             but my dad, he gives me

             this old textbook

             a book on acting

             once it had been his

             now he’s passing it on

             to me. I had no idea.

             I’ve never stopped

             reading it.

I’m not your dad

we don’t have that

connection

sure

I could get you

a book

about a subject

that interests you

but that book

would not represent

a passing torch

an acknowledgement

a first step

your

own path

it would just be

a nice thought

library fodder.

You deserve better

-

I asked a friend

about the worst gift

they received

             Chlamydia,

             it was my birthday

             when I got the call.

Is it enough

that I haven’t

given you chlamydia?

I can give you

the gift of

not chlamydia

everyday

how many random

people in the world

will never

have given you

chlamydia.

You deserve better

-

I want to give you

something like

pulling a winter coat

out of storage

finding 5 dollars

in the pocket

something that

is both

everything and nothing

a coincidental kindness.

You deserve

something you don’t

deserve

aimless

car rides

filled with

endless laughter

backdropped

by a massive

weeping sky

you deserve cliché,

day drunk afternoons,

coffee tables,

littered with

takeout,

clean baseboards,

plenty

of toilet paper,

enough

money

after all your bills are paid,

to breathe,

you deserve

a breath

and fat

and warm

and cool

and sweat

and soft

and sex

and excess

-

I cannot give you

what you should have

so, I’ve decided

to give nothing.

This is a nothing

I made

just for you

you can fill it

you can leave it

empty

it is as much

as little

as it needs

it is an absence

with your name on it

in place of what you deserve:

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-joolz

For: DH5 TIAC
(Diego, Isaac, Tamsen, Lakecia, Cat, Lauren, and Zoe)

joolz

Hey stranger, thanks for stopping by. joolz makes art. Sometimes joolz does other things... Strange, terrible, unspeakable things. You may have seen them acting in the Chicago storefront scene, on instagram @itsjoolz, or perhaps in your own nightmares.

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